Malfunction
by Rue Ryuuzaki
Summary: Raito’s in the closet, and he’s quite comfortable there, thank you very much. ::A character analysis of Raito as a gay teen throughout the Death Note Series::


**Title**:Malfunction  
**Chapter**: One-Shot  
**Author**: Rue  
**Rating**: T  
**Pairings**: None, really. Perhaps a bit of one-sided Raito/L, if you're so inclined.

**Disclaimer**:This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by the creator of Death Note. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warnings**:Homophobic homosexuality, spoilers to the end of the series.

**Summary**:Raito's in the closet, and he's quite comfortable there, thank you very much. (A character analysis of Raito as a gay teen throughout the Death Note Series.)

* * *

_--_

_When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. -_African Proverb

--

There was something about Yagami Raito.

There was something that made everyone look at him. Not just the first time, or the second time, but something about him made people _stare. _One explanation could be his looks, for he definitely had them. Silky auburn hair that reflected lightly in the sunlight, locks that hung over his dazzling honey brown eyes modestly, not one hair out of place. A perfect figure, slim and lithe, only accented by the excellent sense of style. His skin was a healthy color, smooth and soft.

His face was rounded, not having completely lost his boyish features as seventeen years of age.

Another reason could have been the way he walked, and stood and smiled and held himself, with an inexplicable air of confidence. His chin was held high and his eyes set straight ahead and he walked firmly, with a poise that hovered on the line of self-assurance and arrogance. He had a nice smile, a bright one that made girls swoon and adults trust him.

Then, there was his mind. He was, quite possibly, the most intelligent person that the people around him would ever meet. His memory recorded facts from everywhere and everything, and his logical skills made him wonderful at math. His reasoning and common sense far surpassed even the PHD grown ups around him, and he could communicate with people in a way that helped them understand, and quite possibly _agree with, _anything he said.

There was nothing wrong with Yagami Raito, he was perfect, and that was why people stared, because him walking into the room, it was an _event. _A genius, handsome, polite man that was sure to go far. All the boys wanted to be his friend and all the girls wanted to be his wife.

However, there was something about Yagami Raito, something that he dared not admit to anyone, even to himself. A secret he would bury inside him deeply; no one ever need know about it. It would ruin him, and his perfection. He could never tell his parents why he didn't date girls, why he spent so much time studying instead of hanging out with friends.

He didn't want to deal with it, and the flawless Yagami Raito always got what he wanted, so he didn't.

It was easy enough, because people didn't interest him really. He didn't find anyone attractive enough to get to know, because really, there was no one good enough to spoil his entire life for, which it undoubtedly would. And nothing would wreck the bright future he had planned for himself, absolutely _nothing. _Raito was perfect, and everyone knew it, _everyone, _and he refused to let anything stand in the way of him and his wonderful life.

So Yagami Raito couldn't be gay.

He just couldn't.

--

_God has given you one face, and you make yourself another. -_William Shakespeare

--

"What about _her, _Raito! Isn't she pretty?" Sayu would ask frequently.

"She'd not my type," Raito would respond, telling himself that he was not uncomfortable with the question at all. Because he wasn't, not at all. There was nothing wrong with being goal oriented instead of girl oriented.

"Cute, smart, and nice isn't your type?" Sayu would ask curiously and Raito would shrug and then promptly change the conversation with masterful skill.

"I'm concentrating on school, now, I don't have time for girls," he would say if she pressed on, and she would sigh and give up, for a while.

But Raito would never have time for girls. The gender had nothing to do with it, Raito would tell himself, even if Raito would never admit that the gender had _everything _to do with it.

When he found the Death Note…it was wonderful. He could help the world, save people from evil, create a wonderful little utopia. It would be difficult. It would be a lot of work, a lot of time…which was just what he needed. Concentration on something else besides his denial, because it took a lot of effort for someone to lie to themselves that frequently, for that long, that fluently.

For as much as Raito loved himself, there was always that part of him that he hated. Even if he didn't know it.

Then there was L. Fucking L and his fucking percentages. He was probably the most intelligent person Raito had ever met, besides himself, and -God, Raito really hated him. It had been so easy to concentrate on judging criminals instead of judging himself, and L made that…excruciatingly arduous. Every time he said that Raito was hiding something, Raito mind tensed, and not because he was Kira.

There was something else, something faulty, something imperfect. L told him so. When Raito had once asked why he still believed Raito was Kira, even when no evidence supported it.

L had said there was just something about him.

He had come to appreciate Misa, even when he was without his memories and had no use for her eyes. In every '_Do you have a girlfriend?' _there was a constant reminder that -no, no he didn't (_and he never would_). So to be able to say yes…to not be looked at strangely and to not be pestered about dating, when it was _never going to happen -_

It made him appreciate Misa's presence, even when it was overbearingly annoying.

When his memories returned, and he was Kira once again, L knew. There was something in both their eyes, and it was Raito's memories, and it was L's knowledge of their return. He knew, but he could prove nothing, perhaps even…didn't want to believe it.

Raito refused to relate to that.

The night before Rem killed L, L had pushed him against a wall. There was nothing sexual in the way he was shoved, it was done violently, viciously, without any arousing intent. L knew he was going to die, L always knew, and therefore he knew there was nothing he could do about it.

Raito loved this weakness, for it made his own trivial problem (_it was nothing) _pale in the glow of L's impending death.

"You are not God, Raito-kun," L had hissed, clutching Raito's collar in spindly white fingers. "You hide behind this pretty life of yours, but that in itself make you human. Gods do not _hide, _Raito-kun, they are perfect, and therefore…they do not _have _to."

Raito had stared blankly, eyes narrowed, peering into dark black eyes (_darkness was so easy to hide secrets in) _and hated again L's ability to make him think about his skeleton without even meaning to. L was talking about being Kira, _Kira damn it, _nothing else. L didn't know, couldn't _know, _for God's sake, _Raito didn't even know -_not really -so L couldn't _know -_

But then (_L always knew) _but that wasn't really so. L didn't always know. In truth, that was just Raito's paranoia talking. Perhaps that was why he was so very happy that L was dead, because he thought that somehow, some way, though some stroke of genius -L _knew. _And no one could know.

They just couldn't.

Or maybe it was just for his perfect world. His wonderful world that held no room for error, because he was going to be God, and God's didn't have fault. They were perfect (_L was right about that) _and Raito was perfect, so very ideal, as long as _it _never got out. Because if no one knows, then it's not there.

And Raito didn't even know, not really. _Not really._

Teru and Misa thought he was a God. His followers did. Six more years of judging (_lying)_ and he would soon have his paradise. Then he would be too busy being God to worry about -anything else. Near didn't matter, Mello didn't matter, _none of them mattered. _They just couldn't see it, weren't smart enough, justice oriented enough, to _see _what he could do for the world.

What he _needed _to do for the world.

Even when he was lying on the floor, blood dripping from his wounds, pain running through and out his veins, Ryuk laughing above him, knowing he was about to die -Even then, they didn't matter. All that mattered was him, and that he was supposed to have been _God, _and God's didn't _die._

But at least it had never gotten out. At least that shame, that defect, that blemish on his spotless record of perfection was never known to anyone.

Perhaps that thing, that tiny insignificant thing that he'd hidden away, was the only weakness he needed for it transform into self doubt. Perhaps that insecurity created a crack in the godly confidence he had built and supported so carefully.

Or perhaps it had never been so insignificant in the first place.

And maybe his subconscious acceptance of this false flaw was the true obstacle in between him and being God, more than L or Near could ever be.

Because Gods do not hide, they never have to.

--

_Let my lusts be my ruin, then, since all else is a fake and a mockery.-_Hart Crane

--

* * *

I've had the outline for it written a while ago, and I was in a one-shot mood…I rather like it. Took forever to find quotes to fit this though…Oh well, I like how it turned out. Sort of AU, but it's not impossible. I rarely write people going through the denial process for long…usually Raito accepts it, because L's pushy or something…but I wanted to write one where he was gay, just never acted on it, and there was no romance between him and L to push him along through the process.

Please tell me what you think. I'd love to know, good or bad!

--Rue


End file.
